The (Bad) Parent Parade

You can't escape feeling you are the worst parent ever. I mean, you have a kid in jail, right? And everyone assumes you're a bad parent, if you tell them.

So visiting is the walk of shame. It starts when I'm waiting for the bus on the corner opposite of my office building. I pray no one I work with walks by and asks where I'm going. They know I live out in the suburbs. Any regular riders know which corner I get off the bus at. But anxiety starts in in earnest about 4 blocks away from my stop. Two blocks away and the stop is announced: "12th and James, Youth Detention Center". I ring the bell. I feel like there are stares in my back as I get off. They all know where I'm going. It's been announced for me.

The walk to the center is about 3 blocks. This time all the guys who work at/own the Ethiopian restaurant, barbershop and bodega businesses on the corner of the bus stop are all out smoking a cigarette and B.S.-ing with each other. I've seen each here or there, but this time all of them. They know exactly what's down the street and they go quiet as I walk by. Is it because of our cultural differences? They're as anxious of me? Or am I getting more imagined judgement.

Then it's time to go through security gate 1. Most of these are King County Sheriff officers and we're getting to the point of recognizing each other. I must be a bad mother. They're getting to know me. That means my son must have done something really bad or I would have disappeared already.

Thankfully I can quickly disappear down the stairs into the dungeon. It's very rare to see anyone else down there. It makes me feel sad for the kids like mine who spend months there. But on Thursday they were conducting a tour! A tour! Are you effing kidding me? I had just turned in my visitation form and locked up my belongings. So I was waiting on being told to do the second gate and be wanded. Yup, parent on display. Wanded in front of a group of 10+ people. I have to be a bad parent. People who work there or lawyers and such get buzzed in even if the metal detector goes off.

Dignity. I just struggle for dignity.